the one in my heart says to try to look ahead,
because rolling my eyes reminds me of the migraine in my head;
because not looking back is a virtue. proof of bravery;
because looking back is a reminder of a past slavery.
and
my heart says smile and skip and never falter,
the corridor is lined with pews and the door at the end an altar.
to treat others with fairness, as you would unto yourself
but they stole my humility, left it on a shelf.
and
my heart says to be true and to be warm and never lie,
to understand, empathise, do what you can, try
what you haven’t before. but the one over there
said no. they said nothing should be fair at all.
and
my head’s twisted everything i ever thought right,
i’ve worn dresses, heels, a laddered pair of tights,
steel toe caps, shirts, jeans ripped at the knee,
half a cigarette, coffee, tattoos, band tees
different names and labels and haircuts and hats,
walking with a limp, a cane, wearing spats,
and after every reflection I've presented my head,
i’m told that my downfall deserves no sleep in bed.
and
the one sitting in the armchair opposite,
can multiply their negative number with my positive
and negate, ruin a day, week, month or year’s work
to smile and be happy while plastering a smirk
onto their face like an exasperating hack,
like they didn’t realise that their unrelenting attack
would give me doubt, anxiety, raised heartbeat and fear
and take my eyes from glistening to tears.
so i may be thin and unsteady and wavering,
and to my friends and family and strangers I'm havering,
but
there are three of us here; one in my head
one in my heart, one sat opposite me,
sat in a seat, smiling,
wishing i was someone else instead.
but
i’m never alone. never, not twice, not even once,
i always have company to carry my groceries, make my lunch,
there’s always a hand to hold and weight to my thought and word,
and always someone there to tell me my off ideas are absurd.
and
i’m never quite defenceless in a fight i’d otherwise flee,
i’m an unholy trinity; i, myself and me,
but if i’m faced with a bounty and i retreat to my bed,
i’ll pay triple to a hunter; one for each head.
but
those fights come thick and fast. more than you’d think,
more than i’d like, and i find myself at the bathroom sink,
far too often. i find the one who sits opposite and smirks
in people i used to know in passing on streets and it irks
me to no end. i am older, but i have not grown up.
i’m still a child, self esteem hasn’t shown up.
i’m still a child, quivering lip and hand-up question,
with the other shaky fist in my pocket, an anxious infection.
so
this is where you’d expect me to smile,
and say i’m okay. but that talk is cheap.
the unholy trinity inside my head
and my heart, across from me,
has made me tired and weary,
and planted a weight in a canyon deep
in the frontal cortex of my mind, made it ache,
throb, pulse, and now all my words are fake.
two conflicting opinions will shroud the truth in mist.
you’d have to be pissed to consider a third or fourth or fifth,
so i’m no encyclopaedia, i’m more a thesaurus,
throwing synonymous homophonous music in chorus.
together forever, until you’re given a junction.
left or right or straight ahead? select a function.
two are avenues with full stops; the other with question marks.
one is a soft purr from a cat. the others shout in barks.
so here’s your issue. here’s your conundrum, to win the round.
in my heart the words work together to make sound
anchors and flavours trickle over the crescendo,
inspire smiles and laughter without innuendo,
and the mind? the judgmental spectre out there?
their sounds are coarse and jagged and unfair.
a vehement violence with teeth bared,
drooling, making me sit, shiver, quiver, scared.
so i conclude that i’m a heathen. an outsider, cast
aside by normalcy dictated by past.
& i leave you with this; i wish to be normal
but which one is it?
–
because there are three of us here.
one in my head, one in my heart,
and one in the chair
sat over there,
waiting for this to start.